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It’s a Website, not an escape room.

And other unsolicited advice from a top notch crypto consumer.

Author

Cookie3
April 15, 2025

Question, 

Why does every crypto site look like it’s trying to win an Oscar for Most Abstract Use of Gradients? I clicked to see what your project does, not to be emotionally overwhelmed by spinning 3D objects and 27 buzzwords in a single sentence.

Like, girl. Calm down.

Also, respectfully, what is a “modular onchain AI-powered liquidity oracles”? Blink twice if you mean swap tokens.

In this week’s newsletter, we’re talking about the art of not making your website feel like an escape room.

Girl dinner: 

Come along now

Sit down, Give me your hands… Your website is shit. 

In the clurb we all fam and In this house, we support innovation. But your homepage shouldn’t require a PhD in computer science and a Google Translate plugin to understand. You’ve got 7 seconds to make someone care, and right now, you’re wasting it on jargon, dark patterns, and stock videos of spinning coins.

Even worse? Some sites are going full ✨aesthetic✨ with zero substance. You scroll past five animations, three fade-ins, and a glitchy spinning orb, only to realize you still don’t know what the product does.

I mean sure, the animated, retro-futurist, neon-core trend hit for a sec. It slapped when 2 or 3 brands did it. Like unicorn.meme or sankodreammachine.net 

It felt cool and nostalgic. But now? Every time I open a website, I get flabbergasted by weird transitions and so much movement I need Dramamine. Not every project needs to feel like a PS2 loading screen.

It’s fine. Be basic. Give me a button that says “What is this” and make it clickable. Revolutionary, I know. 

Best example? apple.com. No need to say more tbh. 

According to this spicy lil’ academic paper we read (Cappel & Huang, 2007), users are way more likely to bounce if the site lacks:

  • Clear navigation

  • Readable content

  • Actual utility or structure

Websites aren't art installations. They’re supposed to do something. Preferably quickly.

A Guide to a Better Website

Here’s your crash course in building a website that doesn’t make people cry:

1. Say What You Do. Immediately.

If I have to click “About” just to understand what your project even is, you’ve already lost me. Hit me with a sentence like:

“We help AI agents trade across 100+ chains.”
Not:
“We are the decentralized intelligence nexus of financial reimagination.” 😵‍💫

2. Jargon Detox

We get it, you read the Optimism docs once. But if your audience can’t explain your product to their Discord server in under 20 seconds, they won’t. And worse? They won’t buy it either.

3. Design for Humans, Not Hackers

Please chill with the 3D rotating galaxy animations unless you're actually launching a LayerZero-funded sci-fi project. And no, black-on-black text with flashing glitch effects is not a vibe, it’s a migraine.

4. Be Fun(ctional)

A little playfulness is cute. Emphasis on little. We’ll eat it right up. But also your website needs to tell me what you do in the first 7s.  Act if we were all dumb because we are so dumb it down.
That said, fun ≠ confusing. If your site is too “clever” to use, nobody will.

Website Design Problems, Potential Causes, And Impacts. 

If you're wondering why your site’s bounce rate is giving “abandon ship,” this table from a usability study (Cappel & Huang, 2007) breaks down the most common design sins, why they happen, and how they’re quietly sabotaging your user journey

Bla bla bla bla Sign up for the Cookie3 Growth Suite, Thanks 

Oh and SEO? Yeah, It Exists in Crypto Too.

SEO is the oldest marketing trick in the book and yet, crypto still treats it like a scam coin. (Ironically.)

Listen, if your website isn’t optimized for keywords you are literally hiding your project from people who are trying to give you their attention (and possibly money).

Some stats to slap on your Notion board:

We know CT is your comfort zone. But web traffic is web traffic. Index your blog posts. Use meta tags. Compress your images. And please, for the love of all that’s modular and composable, don’t forget alt text.

Also yes, we know.

Our own website right now? Mid at best. Possibly worse.

But don’t worry, new costume drop next week. We’re giving it the glow-up it deserves. Sleeker UX, clearer messaging, fewer confusing orbs. Stay tuned.

Got questions? Feedback? You know where to find us 📞 we’re here to help you get organized, even if we’re still figuring out our own lives.

Til next time,
Stay cookish x